Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in yea_toast's LiveJournal:

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Friday, July 10th, 2009
5:47 pm	sighs What the fuck is wrong with you? Who the fuck do you think you are? I really cared for you. My affection for you was growing. I was willing to give you a second chance and you destroyed that in one fell swoop. God knows why I cared. You asked me all the time why I cared. You say you put so much into me. You didn't give me shit. All you did was take. You never even met me halfway. I drove to see you each time. I listened to all of your one-sided phone calls. You never asked me how my day was, how I was doing. You said you loved me. After two fucking weeks. Is this what you call love? Is this how you treat the people you love? I don't want your so-called love. You say your life is really stressful and I'm never there. You think my life isn't stressful? You don't even think to ask. So you have a girlfriend, but I'm still your girl. Bull-fucking-shit. You say you feel like you're just a booty call to me. You weren't. You were always something more. You said you didn't understand why I was so mad. Don't you get it, you thick fuck? You can't be a booty call if you have a girlfriend. It doesn't work like that. You made me the other woman. Now I feel stupid and guilty and used and foolish for ever trusting you. This is what I get for my naivete and faith in humanity. It turns out people don't deserve the benefit of the doubt. When I asked you why you didn't tell me you had a girlfriend you said "You did not ask." What the fuck kind of logic is that? I don't need your dependence and emotional greed. We don't have a relationship of any sort. I nothing you. I went out on a limb giving you a chance. My friends didn't like you and thought I was being stupid giving you a chance. Turns out they were right. You didn't even make me feel welcome in your home when I said over. You're broken and I sure as shit am not going to be the one to fix you. Not when you can't even try to be an equal partner. You said I blew you off a lot. I don't do that. You must have me confused with someone else. I'm glad I broke up with you when I did. Who know what kind of damage you would have done if we had still be together. I don't deserve this shit. I was nothing but supportive to you. I don't even know if this "girlfriend" is real. You could just being playing head games with me. You always said you were so open and honest. I never fucking lied to you. Except about showing the picture of your dick to other people. I did do that. Your lie of omission hurt me more than someone seeing your junk could ever hurt you. You could have come and seen me. You had time. I know you did. You just couldn't be arsed to put forth the effort. Well, fuck you. I wash my hands of you. And even though you hurt me, I'll get over it. You will have had no lasting impression on my life other than the tattoo on the back of my neck. I have no regrets. Can you say the same? Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: Mike Gerbino - Ugly Sunset (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 26th, 2009
10:07 am	on weird dreams and self esteem been having self esteem issues lately. That's one thing I've always had a problem with. That somehow making tons of typos when I'm telling a story. More importantly, I wanted to write down this dream before I forget it. So I'm hanging out with close friends, and I run into a guy from high school that I had liked, but who had pissed me off in some way. So I kind of avoid him, but he talks to my friends. He and I end up talking on the internet and he reveals how much he's always liked me and wanted me (doing wonders for my self esteem). And I get all girly because I liked him too. We get closer to dating, but then he wants to kill a cat for all the cats' crimes against humanity. the cat just happens to be mine. I tell him that if he does this, I will never like him again. He says he knows and walks away. I run away crying hysterically. Then the focus shifts and I'm going to be in my cousin's wedding, but I don't know if I want to be in it, because the guy that I like is leaving, and I may never see him again. and I'm having this huge moral dilemma, because I can see him sitting on the hill through the window, and I supposed to be getting dressed in my bridesmaid's gown, which looks more like a bridal gown, complete with a veil. So do I end up getting dress, but now I'm looking for my high heels and mom keeps telling me she doesn't like me trying so frantically to put my shoes on because she thinks I'll run away. But I'm not running away, I just want to see him, to give him a picture of me in my bridesmaid's gown. So that when he leaves, he'll have something to remember me by. I really care for him a lot. So me and Jared (my best friend's boyfriend. I don't know why he's in this dream) go out and start climbing the hill to my guy. and this is a steep mother fucking hill. and my boy sees us and smiles and waits for us to get to him. and once we get to him I talk to him, and give him the picture.and he smiles and looks puzzled but accepts. and he and Jared exchange a look about the picture. and magically, my dress isn't ruined. then I woke up I see parallels in this dream to how I'm feeling in real life. The boy I liked looked like a boy from high school that I did have a crush on named Brandon Runkle, but it wasn't really him, if that makes sense. I have the self esteem issues going and liking people but getting rejected or there are extenuating circumstances that affect what happens. I am going to be in a wedding. My brother's wedding. as a bridesmaid. it was a weird dream, but I liked it. wish I could go back. Current Mood: calm Current Music: People In Planes (Comment on this)
Friday, January 9th, 2009
2:23 pm	morbid curiosity So, recently (within the past two months) I looked up my former step siblings on myspace. I don't know why, but I want to see how they're doing. I definitely don't want to talk to them. I just want to see pictures of them and see if they're the same as I remember them. (I think I'm secretly hoping they got fat.) Somewhere inside me I think I'm hoping they're not doing okay. That I'm doing better than they are. That the animosity I feel toward them is justified somehow. It's not a festering or overpowering animosity, just faintly glowing. Like an ember that is burning out. Expect I don't know if I'll ever really forgive them for whatever anguish they caused me, real or imagined. Oh, not to mention they're profiles are private for some stupid fucking reason. What do they have to hide? I just want to spy a little. Can't you cooperate? Maybe this is a sign. I need to do something. Stop focusing on the past. It seems like my life is getting ever more moribund(thank you huge grant). Current Mood: calm Current Music: Andrea Bocelli - Besame Mucho (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 20th, 2008
2:26 am	Tastes a little bitter... Now this song doesn't describe how I feel to a T, but it comes pretty close. But I realize that I've only celebrated christmas with one boyfriend... Love Love, Kiss Kiss Take a look, you see I painted you a picture It's black and white, except the blood's a little richer Down in the corner where I gave it my signature Then I titled it, "This one's for the winter" Check it out you see it's just a big disaster I'll dedicate it to the fact that it's so hard for you to dream A million heartbeats all around you make it hard to sleep It doesn't help you're freezing in your bed, your blankets aren't enough All you want is someone there, and all you say is, "So what" Love love, kiss kiss... blah blah blah You're making me sick, I wish you'd just stop showing off For the rest of us that no one wants to love It's hard enough trying to drink another winter all alone Love love, kiss kiss... blah blah blah Well do you find you like to fall in love with people that you're never gonna meet? It's easier than breaking up and crying in the street Do you curse the happy couple? Do you cringe at wedding bells? Do you drink up all the punch while you wish 'em all to hell? Love love, kiss kiss... blah blah blah You're making me sick, I wish you'd just stop showing off For the rest of us that no one wants to love It's hard enough trying to drink another winter all alone Love love, kiss kiss... blah blah blah You can't escape this fatal case of melancholia It's in your face, in every place you go... it's stalking you There are days when we all say we feel we just can't go on But you've felt this way all along Love love, kiss kiss... blah blah blah You're making me sick, I wish you'd just stop showing off For the rest of us that no one wants to love It's hard enough trying to drink another winter all alone Love love, kiss kiss... blah blah blah Oh, love love love, kiss kiss... blah blah blah You're making me sick, I wish you'd just stop showing off For the rest of us that no one wants to love It's hard enough trying to drink another winter all alone Love love, kiss kiss... blah blah blah Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Alkaline Trio - Love love, Kiss kiss (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 13th, 2008
4:28 pm	trivial Having just read my sister's journal, I realized that I worry about mostly trivial things. About my best friend being mad at me. About not being able to buy christmas presents for the people I care about. About not being able to hang out with friends. But I as I think about it, maybe that's how I stay sane. If I don't think about all the bigger problems in the world that aren't just about me and my life, I save myself from depression and insanity. I realize it's very self centered and selfish, but I don't know how else to exist and have some semblance of a normal life. I would love to care about everything and devote myself to wonderful causes, but I can't ever do enough to make some wrongs right, and that would drive me crazy. Call me what you will. Current Mood: blah Current Music: MSI - Clarissa (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 18th, 2008
9:26 pm	oh hahahahaha I just finished reading all of my old entries. I used to write a lot more. I also used to be an angsty self-centered little bitch. I was so self-righteous and cynical. I don't even know why I was so cynical. I'd like to think I'm a nicer better person now. But, my god, was I ever self-centered. For shit's sake man. It was bad. Current Mood: amused Current Music: Modest Mouse - The Ocean Breathes Salty (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 26th, 2008
8:58 pm	inadequacy, anyone? I feel so inadequate, or rather, that what I think and say and feel is inadequate. I thought I was doing okay, but recent events have exposed my worm-eaten inside. I guess I'm just good at pretending I'm not sad. Or just really deep in denial. Some petty, minuscule ocurrance set me off. I know I'm not the only person who feels isolated and superfluous. On the contrary, I know a lot of people who feel the exact same way. But I'm trying to find a way to not dwell upon it. I guess that's why I'm writing this. I'm not pointing any fingers, so nobody get upset with me. It's more like the sad inside leaked out a little. The dams aren't strong enough. To quote Motion City Soundtrack, "I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense.. yeah Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong, And I need to get strong, and if memory serves, I'm addicted to words and they're useless." Current Music: Kings of Leon - "Charmer" (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 12th, 2008
10:15 am	Womanly Charms This song goes out to a girl I felt very strongly for once, and now I nothing. Thou vile interloper! You skilfully use your feminine wiles Charm them all with your pretty smiles but I see through your glamor Thou vile interloper! It took so long to see you're full of shit And now I know you're a two-faced bitch whyever did I call you my friend anyway? Thou vile interloper! They see your assets and none of your flaws Your ample bosom has them in awe but that's all you have going for you Thou vile interloper! A faithless whore in lust with the war Is this how you treat your so-called love? Sneak behind his back into someone else's lap I pity any man you claim to adore Current Mood: content Current Music: Say Anything (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 27th, 2008
11:09 pm	Somehow Say anything seems to know everything I'm thinking Retarded in Love I'm right here and I must admit I've been pining for you Your my wish When I touch myself, I am conjuring you From fresh dirt When we talk all night and the minutes are free I just hope when I cast my spell you'll be falling for me Because Falling in love could be the first thing Falling in love could be the worst thing There's no rehearsing Retarded in love Resounding You sit alone inside your room and rust You give your trust to those who don't deserve your trust You put yourself through hell As you sweat pound for pound But as the drama fades Tell me what will resound I Want to Know Your Plans I want to know your plans, and how involved in them I am. When you leave for good this fall, will I be forgiven? And If you want roses, I'll buy a bouquet. If that just won't cut it, what can I say? You're what keeps me believing this world's not long dead. Strength in my bones and the words in my head. They pour out to paper, it's all for you 'Cause that's what you do. That's what you do. I want to know your fears, and if you'll forget me next year And when the jets go up and out, will our hearts stay here? If you could forgive me (forgive me) for being so brash. You could hit me or whip me, I'd savor each lash. Alive With the Glory of Love When I watch you, I wanna do you right where you're standing (yeah) Right on the foyer, on this dark day, right in plain view (oh yeah) Of the whole ghetto. The boots stomp meadows, but we ignore that (yeah) You're lovely, baby. This war is crazy. I won't let you down (Oh no no) No, I won't let them take you, won't let them take you Hell no no, oh no, I won't let them take you, won't let them take you Hell no no. Shiksa I remember it vividly, love. I've been walking erect since the moment we met and I caught your eyes to my surprise your white thighs hebraic neuroses ceased to be. an angel's conversing with me the new attractive to me is divine and even if your friends don't understand no matter what, I'll always be your man and even if you go, you know you'll leave me feeling grand I'll need new contraceptives, green eyes I found god when you left him, green eyes let's spend the night entwined out on the boardwalk in sickly summertime like the yin and the yang of the afikomen you're the omen that all has changed that was deranged and even if you stomp me 'til I'm sore no matter what, I'd bleed to be your whore and even if the cancer grows until we explode, I'm yours Even though these songs are generally written to women, I obviously feel they have a parallel to my feelings for a certain young man in my life. Current Mood: bitterly amused (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 6th, 2007
11:30 pm	oh dear LJ It has been ever so long. I doubt anyone even reads my journal any longer. I'm sure this entry will just be sent out into the ether, unread and unwanted. Even so, I shall write. I just got a job at 7-11 about a month and a half ago. That is going pretty well. Living with my mom is okay. The only thing that sucks about the arrangement is that all of my checks go to my mom to pay off my bills. I get $50 every two weeks for gas. I don't get money for anything else. I'm generally happy. I'm afraid that working at 7-11 with holidays coming, I'm just going to blow up like a balloon. In December you'll see me just rolling down the street. As for boys, there are plenty of boys I like. There are even some I have possibilities with. But sometimes, when I think about it, I think I would be happier being a slut than being in a relationship. And then I realize would hate myself for being a slut. I'm in a real conundrum. Damn those morals! All joking aside, I get lonely sometimes. Working a full-time job and actually spending time with people on top of it is hard. I get tired. And thus, I have spoken my piece. Good-bye journal entry! I do hope someone will take the time to read you, and in doing so, keep you company. Most sincerely, Kiki Current Mood: indifferent Current Music: fish tank noises (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 2nd, 2006
11:19 am	this is the pits Wow. This depression shit really sucks. I'm stressed, depressed, and generally tired. I'm tired of school. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being tired. I'm lonely. On Halloween, I sat at home and did nothing. Yesterday I sat at home and did nothing. The people I want to hang out with have school, or work, or live far away and can't drive. I'm tired of being alone. I don't want to bitch anymore, because I'm sure no one even cares. It's just stupid shit and I'm sick of it. I have mood swings from self pity to anger and then randomly to happiness before it starts all over again. I cut my hair and I feel like I look like a boy. Goddamn. -Kiki Current Mood: discontent Current Music: the tappity tap of typing on keyboards (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 26th, 2006
12:54 pm	When they come for me... *Sigh* I've been pretty stressed out lately. Granted, most of the things that have been bothering me I brought upon myself. I'm a little depressed and confused. Maybe it's just because it's turning to winter. I don't know what I want right now and that bothers me. A lot. I'm grounded because I don't manage my money well. I have a court date coming up in Boulder for a hit-and-run. I don't really know how well I'm doing in school. My mom and my brother keep treating me like a little kid. I may have been acting like a little kid, but I still don't like being treated like one. I'm lonely, too. I want a boy. I generally don't like the boys who like me. It just seems to happen that way. I don't understand why, either. If I could be satisfied going out with either of the guys, I would. I guess I should just quit my bitching and stop thinking about it. If I don't think about it, it might change quicker than I think it will. So I'll smile and pretend everything is fine and just deal day to day. Heart Kiki Current Mood: listless Current Music: some guy next to me talking to himself (Comment on this)
Monday, October 23rd, 2006
6:04 pm	my mom sucks I don't manage my money well. It's a fact. My mom decides that because I don't handle my money well, she's going to ground me. I can understand her worrying for my well being, but I am 18. I think it's time for her to stop holding my hand. I'm a grown-up now and I need to learn from my own mistakes. If I fuck up my credit score, that's my own fault. From doing this stupid things, I'll eventually learn how to do what's the wiser thing to do. I was going to go to a party on saturday and now I can't because my mom is trying to live my life for me still. Current Mood: irritated Current Music: the washing machine (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 20th, 2006
6:00 pm	witty reportoire I doubt I spelled that correctly. Hmm. School is going relatively well. I just have to go to all of my classes all the time. The Casualties is tonight. My mom won't let me go. Boo. I have to find a new job. Sears just isn't cutting it. Nothing new in my love life. I don't really have one. My car is working sort of. It was being dumb. It's working a lot better than my mom thinks. She's dumb. She's been pissing me off more and more lately. I really feel like doing stuff lately, and I can't think of who to call. I'm tired of sitting around my house though. I feel sort of unmotivated. I want things just to happen. I want to be in a band. I want to be a tattoo artist. I'm really doing anything to help me at all with either of those desires. Bleh. Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: Hollywood Undead - "My Black Dahlia" (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
10:15 am	school I have started school at Metro. Yesterday was my first day.I like my classes, especially my sign language class. I saw many people I know on campus and I will probably be hanging out with Collin on school days. I'm going to school and working and that's pretty much it. Rugby season, or practice rather, started yesterday. I couldn't go because my sign language class is on tuesdays at 6:00 pm. I'm not sure if I should play this year. I've been having problems with my knees that worry me. I guess we'll see. In the meantime, I need to start running again. I'm a little sick. My sinuses are all clogged and shit. Oh yeah, I have classes on tuesdays and thurdays. I'm taking four classes. World Civilization from 1603, World Regional Geography, Ethics, and Sign Language. My mom is letting me stay out later,which is nice. That's about all. Heart Kiki Current Mood: lethargic Current Music: Head Automatica - "Curious" (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 2nd, 2006
12:45 am	I'm so sad I have sunday monday and tuesday off, which is great. but wednesday is the summer of ska tour and I can't go! because I have to work until 9. it breaks my heart. now I just have to request the 15th off for the social d concert. Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: none (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
11:47 am	bad news children I wrecked my car monday night. If you want to hang out or something, you'll probably have to come pick me up. Give me a call or send me a message if you want to know more. Heart Kiki Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: the show 10 Years Younger (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 6th, 2006
3:26 pm	absolute zero is -273 dregrees Celcius Some stuff has happened. After coming back from Mexico, I didn't talk to my boyfriend until tuesday. That makes it a grand total of 17 days without talking to him. I talked to him on Tuesday. We broke up. He's not ready to be an adult and I expect him to be an adult if he's going to be in a relationship with me. We broke up two days shy of two months. I might be going to prom with him if he can get his shit together by then. I told him that when he gets his shit together, then he can talk to me about getting back together. I love him, but it just wasn't fair to me at all. I have a rugby game in Castlerock today. Wish me luck. Heart Kiki Current Mood: calm Current Music: watching Jeopardy! (Comment on this)
Friday, March 17th, 2006
10:09 pm	Kind of shitty right now Stuff is going on with me and Kiel. Not clashing or fighting or anything, but about how we're having a hard time seeing each other. He's been grounded for the past week and he can't call me or anything. It's killing us both. I leave for Mexico tomorrow at 6:30. I will be gone for 6 days. During that time, I can't cuss, smoke, or do anyhting that I normally do. Not to mention I will be with my mom and her church group the entire time, doing scripture scavenger hunts and doing worship song sing-a-longs. Woo. This is probably going to be my worst Spring Break ever. I know I'm probably being all selfish and inconsiderate right now, but I honestly don't care. I just hope this week goes by quickly. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
3:31 pm	New subject matter I thought I was okay. I got sick last friday and stayed home from school. Nursed my illness all weekend, and thought I was getting back on my feet. Went to rugby practice yesterday and thought my lungs would implode or something horrible like that. Apparently not doing as well as I thought I was. At practice, had sub-par performance, not to mention I was being snappish and talking over the coach. Felt like the supreme douche. Then I realized that my performance at practice has always been sub-par thus far in the season. That made me sad. Today was an okay day at school. Nothing too exciting or eventful happened. Then as the school day was winding down, I started to get agitated. I'm behind in my math class. Way behind. And I have a test on friday. I'm not getting this mole-ratios -thing in chemistry. So I get on the bus home and start thinking about how I don't want to go to rugby practice in the snow. When we get to my syop, I get off and start crossing the street. Some dick hole didn't stop for me to cross the street and I got pissed. Then, I started going over all the things that were bothering me and I ended up crying and having a little meltdown. Did not think I had that much stress right now. Just goes to show that things can be happening and you don't see it until it's already happened. Peace out. Kiki (Comment on this)